It should be more draining to be someone you aren't

Than to be someone YOU ARE. Key word is "should be." I could easily just sit there and be pretty and then mostly everyone would probably just leave me alone. I refuse to be just that. I want to be me, and that's a "dancing girl." I don't care where or what time of day it is, if I want to dance I will!

It is so draining sometimes getting the brunt of people's jokes, but at the same time, I mostly just ignore. It's funny that people would pay so much attention to me, yet I pay them no attention. I didn't know how much attention I attracted until I started doing this weekend routine of dancing in SoHo. People have come to know me there, and for all the new people that see me for the first time, are quick to judge. At the end of the day, people may laugh, but what matters most, is, who will have the last laugh. People from all over the world have come to visit New York, stopped in their tracks to record me dancing or take pictures of me. Just even that, I'm flattered. I wish that people would have just as much fun, or not feel so repressed that they can only sit there.

There are so many gorgeous women that come to the restaurant I dance in front of. Yes, they are amazingly beautiful and get VIP treatment, but I wouldn't ever trade who I am as a person to be them. I often times feel like the outsider looking in, because they refuse to give me service at this high-end restaurant, (I've never even disrespected or stepped on anyone's toes). I guess it is because I'm a "commoner." Commoner or poor as I may be, I'm still richer in passion and soul than any of those people that peer at me, watching me like a sideshow.

I'M OUT!

Free spirit does not = on cocaine

I'm that girl that dances in SoHo with headphones on. Many people ask me "why?" and my only response to them is "because I can." In the past, I found myself justifying myself to others by giving them a full on explanation about why I was dancing, then realized, YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO EXPLAIN OR JUSTIFY YOURSELF to anyone. To be honest with you, I have A LOT of fun doing it. Besides, mp3 companies advertise people dancing with their headphones on, so why is it, that when people see me doing it, they think I'm on cocaine or that I must be on something that's why I can do it. FREE SPIRIT does not equal ON DRUGS. I'm sorry folks, but I won't ever do drugs nor do I ever plan on doing any. I want to be a role model for kids, to show them to not be afraid of just being themselves and have fun. To embrace being different. When those stories came out of bully suicides, I felt more empowered to get this message out. There are SO MANY people that talk about me and judge me. I've been bullied enough. From having water bottles and shoes thrown at me, to being dismissed by fancy restaurants because customers don't want me there (when I could just as easily be a customer myself, by sitting down and having something to eat!) Somebody called 911 on me recently because they thought I was on drugs for dancing with my headphones on. Now, I'm responsible for the ER bill and the ambulance bill. I'm so baffled by all of this, but I do know that it WON'T EVER STOP ME and my passion for dance.

You would think, that even with Susan Boyle, people would learn to not JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. I've been ridiculed probably almost every time I've gone out to dance, not because I suck, but because people think I'm on something. I'M NOT. I've had parents come up to me, and tell me that their kids love me and look up to me. Do you think I would want to be the wrong role model for them? Kids see that I just have fun, and they usually end up being the only ones not afraid to get their dance on with me outside in broad daylight. We need to teach kids creativity and healthy self-expression, because they are our leaders of tomorrow.

As long as I know my boundaries, no one can ever stop me from dancing so as long as I have the ability to do so. I love music, and one day, I hope you find something that you will continuously defend your beliefs in. I'm not technically trained nor widely accepted in terms of style, but I do know that my passion far outweighs those of many. You can teach all that other jazz, but you can't TEACH PASSION. Dance feeds my soul. When people have taken the time to get to know me, they have found that I have a very sound head on my shoulders, I'm smart, fierce and VERY NORMAL. But if HAVING FUN means being crazy, then I choose that any day over boring. Besides, last I checked, everyone was taking pictures of me, and making bets about whether or not I was on something!

Maybe people do think I'm crazy. Am I?

I went out dancing in the streets of NYC yesterday, and I'm now reflecting on how people may have taken to it. Although I don't know how I may have been perceived by others, just replaying it in my head of what I think I looked like, I could see how I may be mistaken as "crazy." For all I know, I probably looked like a dorky skinny little girl with headphones on dancing all over the place. It's also hard for people to know what I'm dancing to because I'm dancing to the music on my headphones, and I was just so into it.

Aaah. As much as I feel like I may have embarrassed myself, I did have a lot of fun, and shouldn't care what others think of me. If they want to think I'm crazy, so be it, but all I know is, that I had FUN! And I'm okay with just being myself and feeling so free. Why let others stop me?

I also had a lot of people filming me, and I'm not sure if it was because they thought I was crazy or what! Oh well. ;( I will still dance, no matter what. One person remarked, what happened to you last year? You were supposed to have been discovered already, so what are you still doing here? Come on, keep dancing. I got the push from a good number of people, but another part of me, just wasn't sure. This guy I was seeing before, also saw me, but didn't really care for me, because he was so caught up in getting a picture of a "celebrity." I told myself, one day, he will be shooting photography of me, if only he knew, but for now, I'm not good enough.

True stars aren't made, they are born.

I need to save this horoscope...it seems so true! Argh.

CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] You may find it hard to believe that imprecise language could undermine your ability to merge with your heart's desire. But it's true. Your biggest wish may never be fully granted as long as you're sloppy about how you articulate it. Try this: Write down a brief statement that crisply sums up the one experience you want more than anything else. Preface it with: "I am doing everything possible to accomplish the following goal." Memorize this magic formula and repeat it twice a day until your wish is fulfilled, even if that takes 10 years. PS: It will work best if you don't include anything about how certain people need to change in order for your longing to be fulfilled.

One year later...

It's been a little over a year now since I moved from San Jose, CA to New York to pursue my dreams of becoming a dancer, not that the type of dancing I want to pursue would help my cause of getting there any sooner (which is freestyle/my own style, because I can't follow others and I lack hand and eye coordination), but I still feel like I should have made some kind of progress, if at all. Actually, I'm not sure that I've made any progress. I'm still a nobody, I'm still an accountant, and I'm still not getting paid to dance, not to mention, I get treated like a second-rate citizen when it comes to the entertainment industry.

I obviously have not put in enough effort yet, but it's just so hard when I have to keep a full-time job so I can support my parents back home and foot the costs of living here in New York. I think, maybe, if it weren't for that, I would've already quit my job to give it a "go" full-time. Even though there doesn't seem to be much of an avenue for me (yet) due to my dance ability (or lack thereof based on technical capability/proper form or what people think is right), as I'm banking on my "passion", my "fire" and my love for it to rise above it, I still dream to be able to share my dancing with the world. I'm just being me, and I do hope that'll go a long way in the future. I truly believe it. I love to express myself freely, and I do so through dancing and painting! There are no limits. I also hope to bring something different to the game, as I'm not one to accept the status quo. I want to innovate and create new dance moves, not re-create or follow what others are already doing.

It's not easy. I've been told I'm too old (28 years old to be exact) or that I don't have the look (I'm too little girl like/quiet) to get into dancing and on top of that, opportunities are hard to come by and there are just so many other dancers out there. When I came here a year ago, I didn't even know where to start, and still don't really know how to go about finding opportunities. Most amateurs (as it seems), use Craigslist, which, later, I have found out to be ineffective. I'm sure there are some opportunities on there, but none that have ever materialized into a gig for me. Or, how does one go about finding an agent or manager? Even that, I don't know.

Below is a list of shows I did audition for, but obviously didn't make (there are others that I didn't even get to audition for, because I was written off based on my looks/profile):

MTV Pilot dance reality show (not sure if this ever got greenlit) - I was told that I was too old, as the age demographic they were targeting was from teens to early twenties. Argh.

Fuse TV Dance show - just didn't ever hear back...aaah. ;(

NYC